I know I'm slacking

     I know that it has been a few weeks and really that has been because there is really nothing new to talk about.  I know that "Everyday is new" and that "New things are always happening" but really it has just been same old same old at my house.
     Last week we were all sick.  1st it was Rachael on Aug 31st, then on Labor Day we went over to my parents house and swam and had a good old time.  I mean it was over 100* outside the pool water felt more like bath water and the girl was shivering cause she was cold.  The only reason she came with us was because she didn't have a fever in the morning and had stopped throwing up and said she felt fine.  But apparently her temperature went up to 102* and she was cold in the water as the result.  I had her get out, she took a shower and then she proceeded to curl up in my parents guest room and went to sleep.  The next day Jenny was throwing up and had a fever, 2 days later Michael was throwing up with a fever, later that day I was throwing up with a fever, then still later that day, after the kids came home from school Destiny was throwing up and had a fever, then the next day Rick was throwing up with a fever.  Thankful it seemed to have skipped Julia.
     That was all of the excitement that happened to us so far, My throwing up was so forceful some of the blood vessels in my face broke and it looked like I had freckles for about a week all over my face, and down my neck.  But I was the only one who had a problem with it.
     So this week we have all been trying to get back into the swing of things.  I have been seeing everything that needs to be cleaned. (Which is everything, but at least everyone has had clean clothes to ware)  I have been wanting to get some cleaning done but I am stumped as to where I should start.  I have issues with my sleep schedule being wonky so I lack the energy I need to do it and I am sick of relying on caffeine to give me the energy I need (cause let's be honest it is 50/50 weather it gives me the energy I need or not)  So when my husband comes home and notices that all that was done was laundry and dishes he get this little look of disappointment.  I don't even think he realizes that look is there, but it is.  The other day my Visiting teaching companion came over and sat a folded my laundry while I finished frosting the cupcake for a sister in our ward who's birthday was that day, she was only sitting there for about 7 mins.and in that time she got an entire basket of laundry folded.  I don't really like to fold laundry, I hate it actually, it seems very tedious to me and take me forever, then my kids just toss things out of their dresser on to the floor.  So I will wash a ton then when I have no more baskets left ask my kids to help me fold.  I was completely floored when she folded all the clothes in a basket that would have taken me at least 20 mins. to fold and folded it in like 7 mins.
     Anyway I have more close to go wash and a kitchen to clean up after I made banana bread with chocolate chips in them.

I have dishes to wash, clothes to clean, a baptism dress from my best friend's baby to make, and a house that needs cleaning to stare at with unconcealed confusion about where to start.  Wish me luck!

Been a while!

     Well it has defiantly been awhile.  I was unable until recently able to get back onto my account. (plus after a few tries I had other things to get done and put it aside until a later date.)
     Okay well I am sure that there are a ton of people who follow my blog.  I mean there are so many that I could count them all on my little finger and still have room on that finger for more.  But nonetheless I am still hear, a little more frazzle brained than normal but here.
     Okay here I go, no more holding back.  Quite recently I was reading a lot about different woman who all had so sort of depression going on for what ever reason, and while reading there accounts all I could think about is about how far off they have to be for their depression to matter and how sad that was.  I am no stranger to depression, only to being diagnosed and treated for it.  When I had my first daughter I was alone.  I had my parents there to help me and a few really good souls to be on my side and tell me that I wasn't making a total mistake keeping her and not marrying the father.  But I still felt ALONE.  I always felt as if these people where thinking in the back of their minds how screwed I was and what a horrible mistake I was making.  No as I said before these people where my parents, I mean come on what kind of parent actually thinks that about their child, but that was how I felt my parents and family really felt.  Now with my friends,(what friends stilled remained my friends when they found out I was pregnant anyway) it was worse, I felt as though I was the prime example  (in their eyes at least) of what not to do to mess up your life and bring strife down upon you.  I had some major depression issues that never got dealt with, but I kept it all bottled up inside thinking I did not want anyone realizing what a mess I really was.  I moved near someone I had dated when I was in high school, ran into a bunch of people that I had gone to school with that all looked down their nose's at me and wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I suffered through the interesting looks that I got from cute guys at diner's and thing before they realized I was 7 months pregnant, along with the looks of disgust they would give me after they noticed.  There was never a reason to be depressed about it.
     Then I met my husband after many, many, many failed attempts of being able to date anyone for any length of time when I had a child.  After I met him and we got married (which by it's self left reasons to have issues) I thought it would all be better, but it wasn't.  I got pregnant with my 2nd child and was so happy.  I really didn't have that many issue's and was for the most part healthy, then I had her and it was all fine until my husband had to go back to work, doing the night shift leaving my home alone with 1 toddler and 1 infant when I was only 23 and really had never been alone until I got married.  I had a huge problem with crying all the time, my mind running away with me all the time, panicking and not being able to function because of it all.  I talked to him and he switched to day shift with little issue. 
     So I thought is was better, I went to a doctor told him what was what and he said it sounded like a mild case of postpartum depression, I added some exercise to my day and thought it was good enough.  Really I knew that it was not all gone but the doctor wanted to put me on medication that would have made me a virtual zombie so I lied and said the added exercise was enough.  Then I had my 3rd child and all through my pregnancy I had issues with my emotions and postpartum and all.  Everyone I tried to talk to just told me it was all the hormones from being pregnant.  Then  my son was born and the problems only got worse and then I was told by the same doctor that he could always give me (the Zombie) medicine unless I could figure it out for myself, that was all he could do for it. Then I decided that family planning was work out good since I could not take birth control.  All was okay until I found out I was pregnant again, then when my daughter was born I decided that I was not going to have anymore children until all the issues with the depression were figure out, since it had only gotten worse, so I had an IUD put in, figuring that by the time it came out that my issues with depression would bee figured out, then when my daughter turned 3 months I found out I was pregnant with my 5th.  By this time my depression had double a few times, was worse cause of the whole weight gain ordeal (which has to deal with my hormones) the fact that I was a little overwhelmed by having 5 kids all under the age of 8 and feeling as though I really didn't have any friends living where I was which was a few thousand miles away from where I started.  I tried to make the best of it and not show I had any real problems (since I felt like no one could help anyway) 
     Then my best friend got married, I lost 40 some pounds and felt a lot better.  My husband job reduced his pay a little and bills were very tight, but I was not going to let any of that bother me, I had decided to try to change things around, go to a different doctor to get the depression all sorted out and be a better wife to my husband and mother to my 5 kids.  Then we came back from the wedding to a notice telling us that the bank was going to take our house away cause we had missed 1 payment and had been very late on the past 6.  My depression got worse at that point, a lot worse.  We had to move, my husbands job made a 2.5% pay cut, not a lot by any means but enough to suck and not be able to make the payments on our second car anymore, all in all it was a few thousand a year.  Our kids complained about having to move and leave their friends behind, we weren't sure what we were going to do.  My parents (with out us knowing) bought a house on the other side of our neighborhood to rent out to us so we could afford it and not be homeless, it was also big enough for our family since we had grown out of our 3 bedroom house that the bank took back.  I thought thing were starting to look up when depression over all that had happened finaly hit my husband.  It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to make it better my husband was having depression issues of his own which only made mine worse.  Then a few years after all that when I was finally ready to go talk to a doctor about all my problems with depression, was finally ready to be told I was indeed BROKEN like I felt (which if you have ever thought you were broken you know that it feels 1000 times worse when someone tell you that you are and what needs to be done in order to make it better)  I broke both bones in my left leg, having to have 2 surgery's for it all the while being confined to my bed, unable to even take a shower by myself or go to the bathroom alone.  It was so depressing to have to be like that for a few months.  I put on even more weight and was alone a lot more often, I couldn't even go to church during all of this.
     I still have issues with my leg all the time and it has been almost a year, it will be a year on Oct. 30th.  It hurts like hell to walk the 1/4 mile to school with my 5 year old to take her to school and then the 1/4 mile back home again (it might even be closer than that, I never have measured the distance.)  I grew up with my mother dealing with her depression in bad ways.  I remember the fights that my father and her would get into the mugs flying and all the yelling and screaming and the leaving.  I remember her stabbing herself in the leg when I was in high school and then having to clean up the blood off the floor, I remember going to visit her in the mental ward on more than one occasion.  I have been around it my whole life!  I spend most of my days in bed and crying when when one is around and making it seem like I am okay when I really have no clue what to do, I just know that I don't want to be broken anymore.  I know that I am not the mother or the wife that I should be, I know I am not as great a sister or daughter that I once was and that I am not the great friend I wish to be, as well as many other things.  I would love to say that I am just me and that is enough but the truth is that I am not just me.  I am a shell of who I really am and that, that shell is most definitely not enough, there is no way that it is enough.  I keep thing clean enough to not be smelly and gross, I wash clothes enough to make sure my family is wearing clean cloths even if I am not, I make enough food so that no one starves and I talk enough that I am able to hide my issues enough to look like laziness.
     I am emboldened in writing everything down and admitting to this cause no one reads it, so really I am not telling anyone anything and my secret will remain my secret.  I get tired of reading about women who have had issues with depression and it wasn't until the problems became very bad or that they were in a position of influence that their depression even mattered.  I met women all the time that at some point or another they all have problems with depression in some form, but it is never dealt with cause it is never "Bad" enough to really do anything about, or so some may say.  Everyone has problems with depression of some sort, to some degree, if not then they are truly blessed and wonderful people that I have never met.  I know that their are a lot who exist that have never felt they have experienced any sort of problem with depression, but I refuse to admit that there exists one who has not felt depressions bitter sting at some point in their life except fo that small baby or child who does not know different yet.
     Okay enough crazy for one night, I have a whole lot of things that I know I should do but can not bring myself to do them, just like always.

Huh! It's Monday already?

     Well not a whole lot seemed to happen this past week other than yelling, bribing and pleading with the kids to do something, anything other than being blobs in the house with the remaining little time of summer break. 
     I was wanting the kids to go to a different school this year, in fact Mikey and Rachael were asking to go to a different school, but alas I have no car still and so they are stuck going to the same school that non of us really like.  They were very upset when I told them they were going back.  Mikey for the past 2 school years the teachers have been complaining about him.  They always say the same things and it is getting very annoying.  "we can't keep his attention" "he wants to wander about in his desk instead of doing what the rest of the class is doing" "he doesn't want to do his work when the time is given to him".  Mind you I have recently found out from his last teacher that "he get really great grades, gets all of his work work handed in and completed at the last minute and is very imaginative".  I suppose that I am wrong in thinking "well at least he is getting it all done, and isn't it your job as a teacher of little children to teach him and try to get him to complete his work?  And if he is doing it then isn't it okay that you are clearly doing your job and teaching him, if so then who care that he doesn't get it done until the last minute.  His teacher told me "that having the ability to get work done at the last minute is great for high school and college but terrible for 2nd grade and will cause him to get falling grades".  I was totally dumbfounded, last year the school was talking about ADHD/ADD and that they were going to have to put him in the special ed classes cause the teachers have tried everything and nothing works to he is to smart does all of his work, just not when we have the times in school allotted for and is a genius at reading (he skims books and get 100% on the comprehension tests for them) and because of it we want to put him in special ed classes.  And Rachael just wants work that is more challenging.  She has really bad testing anxiety already and failed the testing for the gifted program by the skin of her teeth.
     Destiny has testing anxiety as well, but she is trying to ignore that she has a problem.  She is going to the Jr. High which has been a secret hell for me.  She is starting to become way to picky about her clothes (not like we can afford for her to be picky, thank goodness I sew)  She never wants to do anything resembling a chore and hates spending time with her little brother and sisters unless no one is looking.  All I can think is "Welcome to being the parent of an official teenager!"  All week last week I spent calling the school, filling out tons of paperwork, both for school and food stamps, and shopping for school supplies (well what of it we can afford, school starts in 21 days!)  Then I was slapped with a letter sent from the Jr. High notifying me that we have to pay so much for her electives that she HAS to have, has to have as in required, but we have to pay for it.  And that also in order for her to Ride the bus, get lunch, and be admitted in class she has to have a school ID and planner which we have to also pay for by the time school starts.  It was so great of the school to notify us before school starts, now if only they can start notifying us sooner than a few weeks before.
     Anyway all in all is was a very busy week which was great to put behind me each night when we ate dinner together and after everyone was in bed and I would work on baby presents.  I am very thankful that my family is all happy and healthy right now, I know of a lot of families that are miserable as they all have fevers and are throwing up.  I am very, very, very thankful that this bout of sickness passed us by.  Having to deal with the stressfulness of the past week help me to realize just how much my family takes for granted the sanity that Heavenly Father blesses us each with each day among so many other things.
     Anyway I am very, very THANKFUL that last week is over with and behind us and am looking forward to a much better week!  I hope everyone's coming week is better than the last and keeps up that way!

Really, Really!

     My weekend was not was expected, I stayed at home with my kids minus the oldest (she went to a family reunion up north)  I listened to everyone around me talk about what fun they were planning on having 4th of July weekend.  Then on Sunday I was privy to hearing all about what great and fun-filled family things that they had and how it was great, and fun was had by all.  My husband had to work on the 4th of July, he has had to work almost every holiday for the past few years.  We don't have a 2nd car, so it was not like I could take all of my kids somewhere for the day to have fun, my parents were in the process of draining their pool out so we wouldn't have been able to go swimming over there.  Then to top it all off after my husband came home from work and we could finally do something as a family, I stepped wrong on some toy or something in my son's room (which is a mess) and hurt my newly not broken or anything anymore ankle and couldn't even go to see the fireworks with all my family.  I did make some star marshmallows that were dipped in chocolate and sprinkles, then put on a stick for my little minions, I would love to show a picture of them (I was very proud) but before I was able to get a picture my kids ate them!  I suppose that tells me that they liked them.
     So the next day I decided to make some bagel's, per my daughters request and they turned out looking terrible.  They tasted great still, but looked bad.

My kids were very nervous to eat them at first, but then realizing that mommy NEVER makes bad tasting food, they ate them just fine and continued to tell me how good and normal they tasted.  After that I was sort of in a baking mood, as much as my ankle would allow and made some pretzel rolls, and some french bread rolls for dinner the next night.  All of which only lasted 2 days in my house.  Then on Sunday night my oldest came home and all was right with the world again!
     All in all my weekend wasn't bad, it just what I had hoped it would be, it made for a loud house and crazy house full of kids wondering what special thing we were going to do for the 4th, and a mommy with a horrible headache, short on patience and very irritable.  Nothing out of the ordinary for us.  Now I have some baby stuff to finish making so I can send it out, and a cross stitch to finish, dinner to make, dishes to wash and clothes to wash, fold and put away.  Thank goodness everyone is home to help!

In a Nutshell

     I know that if I had wanted this blog to be fun and interesting and chalk full of Momming stuff that I should have started it 13 years ago when I first became a mom.  Then I could have told the world (within the scope of this blog) what it was really like.  I know that my oldest is 13, no longer a child but now an official teenager and my youngest is 5, no longer a baby or toddler but now a full fledged little minion.  But believe me when I say that I still have a lot of adventures with my children, now though the challenge is more of how to get them to listen to me before I go mad and "what the crap do I make for dinner" or one of their various snacks during the day.  They eat a lot!

Thankfully for them I am a good cook and I like to try out good things for them to eat.  I also like to sew and am good at it.  While my husband does seem to get a little annoyed with me going to Joann Fabrics to get sewing stuff a lot, my family has definitely seen the benefits from me sewing, it would just be nice to stick with a project until finished, but hwy what can I say I have attention issues.  

I am hoping to post something fun or interesting or not hair pullingly tiresome at least once a week but we will just see how that all goes!  I suppose that I will start by posting on Monday, I am making bagels for the kids right now so I can always post a picture of them!  This blog is just a way for me to express some of the things I do during the week, and to display some of the things I make that I am proud of.  Also I can mention the things that I deal with in cooking and other things and aspects of my life as a mommy and wife that I hope my be somewhat helpful to others!  Here are my 5 little minions!

The top picture is the most accurate of them all!

To start I married a wonderful man!  I love him very much!

We are going on 11 years married this year and I hope that we have many, many, many, many more years both together and as a family!

There is more to be said but I can't really put it all into any sort of order, so we will just see what comes out and when, I think of thing (some very odd) at very random times, I will try to keep that rained in a little, anyway see ya soon!